Twenty shaggin' five to one

I failed a mock exam today that I've to do for work. Very few people mocked me though. Just the people there that I knew. And a few of the strangers that got carried away with the whole thing. And the examiner. Which was a bit harsh. Wanker. Anyway, what wasn't I talking about? Oh yeah, eggs. If you leave an egg in the fridge for long enough will it hatch a penguin? A smaller one than normal obviously, and the first thing it would see would be a lump of cheese and it would think that was it's mother. It's life ambition would be to be grated onto the top of a pasta bake and browned in the oven. Then, when it was old enough, it would mate with the most attractive Easysingle on the middle shelf and they'd have little yellow penguin babies wrapped in cellophane. That'd be weird. It would only work in your standard domestic fridge anyway. If it was in a restaurant the health and safety would be down on you like a ton of igloo-bricks.

How many French people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Think about it. I always wanted to be a gardener but I thought if I spent too long in a garden some Frenchman would probably eat me. Just scoop me up with all the frogs, snails and horses and put me in a casserole. Call it Pie d'Irishman or something else pretentious with an apostrophe. The French aren't a bad bunch though. I was watching a documentary recently about when they completely re-located France to it's current site, which was just a plot of wasteland, from what is now Norway. The trickiest part was keeping it a secret from everybody, including the people they were moving. They had to invent a Norwegian flag, national anthem, history and Tor Andre Flo and hire actors to play the Norwegians. They just told their own people they were going on holiday and when people started asking when they were going back they denied everything. Worked a treat.

It looks like myself and the lads will be standing outside a lot of churches, smoking. Us, not the churches. It's either that or race OAP's against each other, and frankly I can see that ending in tears. I suppose we need old people though. If they weren't around the Werther's Originals and Farah slacks industries would go down the drain. And that's the last thing we need. See yiz in the funny pages.