Knobular

Listen, I really couldn't be bothered. What you've got to understand is that it's all the one to me. It's sort of "Say nothing until you hear more." You know? Anyway, a change is as good as a rest. Which is just as well. Outspan wants to give Nelson Mandela "Two bus timetables and a biro with which to mark them" for Valentine's Day. Or some such shite. Or so he would if he were his lover. He's not though, Outspan has more class than to knock boots with an ex-con. Joey went down the sex games-route with "A cheap pair of novelty handcuffs." Vinnie didn't say anything that might be deemed by some to be slightly racist. Still, we'll have to call him "Spawn of Satan" Gray from now on, and avoid bringing him to West Brom games. Or the BBC.

There's an ice cream van outside and Ray Wilkins is on the telly. I typed "in the telly" first there. Imagine Ray Wilkins was in my telly trying to sell ice creams. Just try it there . . . That would be ridiculous, he'd never fit and even if he could there'd be no refridgeration to keep the ice cream from melting. You'd probably have to pay extra for your Tangle Twister if an ex-footballer sold it to you anyway. You'd go along with it as well for two reasons:
a) It'd save you walking to the shop, and
b) They'd no doubt have a sign up saying '50% of all money made will help some charity or other. Feed the Bears maybe. Or C.R.A.C.K. - fighting homelessness through playing draughts.'

Did you know the world's first known pizza wasn't made in Italy? It was actually made, completely by accident, by missionaries in New Svartland (today's Togo.) They were trying to make an open toasted sandwich and they made a bollox of it. They immediately sold the idea to Four Star Pizza, who opened a shop on the Philipsburgh Avenue. It was consequently visited by Julius Caesar, who brought one to Rome. Got away with it as hand luggage. Customs wasn't as strict then. So I'm not friends with any racists. Rafter.